Uncomfortable

Figure 1: Lone moon.

I am quite forgiving as a person. I can tolerate others when I am at work or outside but there's one matter which is very sensitive to me. I cannot tolerate living for a long time with other people who I am not close with and have habits which I dislike. Meaning to say, not my close family members or my spouse.

It is a behavior that has developed in me since I was small, I was encourage never to stay at other people's place, despite it being my friend's house. So it is natural for me, to stay home with my family as I have lived since I am small. When I entered university that is where the problems arises.

I cannot tolerate my room mates making noise when I am sleeping at night. I don't mind when its day time, but I really cannot stand it. So, my anger gets to my head and things came crashing without me realizing it. Next day, no one dared to make much noise when I sleep.

So, now that I am working, I do not want to live in a house sharing with other people. I dislike having to tolerate other's whom I am not acquainted in a home setting. I don't mind after stepping out of my home, but where I sleep, rest, and spent the rest of my time in privacy, I do not wished to be disturbed.

Learning the hard way

Ever since I went to school, I have been spoon fed with knowledge, large spoonful of information which I sometimes am not even aware of or not interested of. I never find learning at my school engaging or interesting. I tend to dream off and draw while rejecting the spoon-fed food.

I am different, I do not like to receive something, without giving anything back, such as effort or diligence as in the end, it will be in vain and it is as if I have receive nothing. I might be such a selfish brat, as people around me, especially my whom parents are already trying their best.

I learn the hard way, I need to be pitched into tough trials and experience the heat, then I know that I have learned something. This way of learning is very painful and there are times when I had to bow my head down low and be mocked. It really hurts.

In the long run, as I matured, I have to always remind myself, to keep myself updated and always be aware of my surroundings. Everything changes, people, times and season follows with it. A storm might be coming which can destroy everything and the next a bright sunny day.

No matter what your preference for study is, there shouldn't be a reason not to learn. Never give up no matter what your method is. Learning should only stop once your breath flows out of your body. It is a life long commitment to learn and be a light to the world.

Figure 1: The wind of change.

Offday

After such a long course away from work, I finally went back home and after office today, I'll be away for a few days on leave. Work has been challenging and since I just returned back from a company sponsored course I will have more responsibilities to hold.

I'm thinking what to do during my off day, I don't have a date and my friends are busy with their ongoing projects, while I have already completed mine last month, it will be sometime before I'll be handed another one. Looks like after all the busy-ness, I found my hands empty.

Maybe I should try fishing, that will really waste my time and should take the whole day off. I remember the times when I used to go fishing with my dad, it was a bitter experience when the hook got hooked on my hand which tore off bits of my skin and flesh. So, no.

Figure 1: Greens releases my stress.

I don't really hang out at the club these days as I am past my alcohol days which reminds me of a lot of bad experiences too. Another, no. I decide to go online and check out the cheapest two way air ticket tomorrow and just take the flight for the remainder of my off-day. 

My destination will be to the somewhere where it's greener. Away from the busy-ness of life and if possible less people. Sometimes its best to be alone and doing things my way until I'm ready.

Helpless & Hopeless

Just a few points to ponder as I look back and think forward into the future..

A) Ever felt helpless and also hopeless at the same time? 

B) Ever walked a path in life where you felt the loneliest despite having people all around you? 

C) Ever given a task to handle alone where you don't have enough know-how and experience to fully execute it? 

Well, enough with the ever, I'm sure each and every one of us have this sort of facing the impossible experience. The agonizing feeling of being helpless and hopelessness is a tough combo when one is facing it together at the same time. It brings more effects to one's sanity as well as brings stress which will age those physical looks.

From my experience, I am constantly dropped in a situation when there are people around me yet I find them unwilling to help me out or even just point me in the right direction. This sucks especially if you're new and still inexperienced. 

However, this is not an excuse to actually slack off and run away from the problem. This is where you as a sane person face that huge mountain of a problem and start digging. Even if you're unsure where is the actual location of the gold, there's a lot of place you can start to analyze and even try to smell the dirt to find that sweet gold.

Never ever be disappointed when we find help from other people, only to be rejected, refused, mocked, spat at or even in worst case scenarios, screamed at. If this happens to you, spring up and remember the words of the genius Einstein,

"I am thankful to all those who said "No", because of them I did it myself."

Once you've get around this thick fog of negativity and actually work out that initiative to find that alternative to your problem it is time to be proud. This is due to that fact that when you walked alone, tasted the bitterness of dirt and run up that huge mountain of impossibility, through all those hardships only to finally find that shiny, yellow gold.

Why am I writing this? I've experienced this before and from this experience one should never be too proud and haughty as to become as the other people that surround you and made you virtually invisible. Be humble and always help those who are experiencing this painful experience.

"God always give me the bitter sweet taste of humility whenever I am haughty."

Keep Missing..

Feel so sullen and cold during this time of winter. Wish time would pass so much faster when I am alone and time would pass so slow when I'm with meaningful people, so that the moment would last almost forever. But this is not the world I can simply control, I can only only capture those moments and appreciate.

This song makes me feel damn, damn, damn, little bit sad especially when I'm alone without people who meant to me surrounding me. Even though my faith precedes me not to be so, I'm still feeling the strain of being alone despite the new experience, the warmth suddenly fading. Maybe I should apply for leave soon.

Sunset alone..

This Sabbath I managed to go back and worship at Bintulu, I wish to spend time with my dad but he has business at Kuching so he's gone by 12 o'clock noon. I'm left a home all alone still I rested and am so glad to be home. Even though I'm alone I managed to close my day of rest at the beach. God is by my side.

Figure 1: Tg. Batu beach sunset.

When I'm alone, I spend a lot of time thinking and praying in my heart. I do not know what comes next in the future and I never dared to anticipate it. Sometimes I worry but it never helps and its been a long time that I've stopped worrying about what is about to come. God lifted that burden away from me.

Figure 2: Tg. Batu beach sunset.

So here I am, sitting down on a rock, watching the sunset in the horizon. I always do that last time when I was alone and lonely. Now I'm still doing it, this gave me a sense of peace and time alone. I'm always praying in my heart even though I can't always say it out in words. Only God knows.