March '14: Stranded and alone

Have you ever feel stranded and alone in life, when there's nobody to turn to and when times get so tough that you feel you just wanna cry. While listening to some old school music, I closed my eyes and try to reminisce the time when I felt that way.

I used to be like that whenever I return from school, and my father promised to fetch me, but due to my father being late, I am left all alone at school and it was already dark. Still, in the dark alone at the bus stop I have a small shimmering hope that my father will come.

And indeed at the minute that I hold on to this little small hope of mine, lights flashed from a distance and it parked just in front of the bus stop. It was my dad, I never lose hope in him and through out life, he has been the symbol of strength and hope. He is the person I look as a role model.

Figure 1: Stranded and alone at night.

Mere excuses

Figure 1: No excuses for sunsets.

I am full of excuses, I have been making excuses here and there to avoid doing things that I don't enjoy. I am so good at making excuses and able to convince others to accept my excuses that I tend to slack off from my studies and also responsibilities.

One day, I woke up one day, feeling so hurt by some excuses made by another, a promise made to me was broken by a simple excuse which cost me hurtful experience. I found that that simple excuse is used to cover a broken promise. An excuse can be a lame white lie.

Ever since then, I tend to do my best not to make non-factual excuse just to escape my responsibilities and have the easy way out. I know that one of those excuses will hurt those who I hold important to me, most of the time, when I wasn't even realizing it. 

I want to simply do my best, to avoid all those lame excuses. Even though the process will be tough, I know I will learn and persevere despite the turbulent challenges. I will never make mere excuses again, for I have experienced the painful way.

Auto driven society

When I was born, life is still filled with a lot of manual chores, hand washed clothes, thesis-es, letters and documents typed using the type-writer,  not everyone had a computer nor a cellphone and there's no world wide web access for everyone during that time. 

Figure 1: Manual focusing the lens is a challenge.

Most of the fun I had during my early childhood days were out of the house and most of them were engaging with others in real-time. Life was simple and yet filled with fun and surprises. You never knew that person until you talk to them and interact face to face.

Those were real, and I first learnt to drive using a huge manual four-wheel drive. With a little bit of scolding here and there, I finally mastered that at the time huge 2500cc diesel monster and I didn't even went for a proper class for that, that's how effective home schooling is I guess.

Figure 2: Smiling before the rain.

These days, everything is so automatic, you can know that person's biography without even meeting them to say Hi. You don't even have to have a deep conversation in a date to know her. Social sites have spelled it all out for you about that person's personality or if you're unlucky the other way around.

Camera's are very automatic these days, especially auto-focusing. I have to admit I am spoiled by those lightning fast AF that I lost touch of manual focus. Now when I tried it back, I have to admit, it is a very tough feat to actually manual focus and I really respect those who do so professionally.

Figure 3: Manual focusing in the heavy torrential rain.

Life is getting more and more automated and we're getting more and more lazier to work things out. I found this slightly disappointing due to the fact you can actually get more fun when you override to manual. It gets tougher but more fun. 

Figure 4: Dark heavy clouds engulfs the horizon.

It's like having a sports car with all 6-speed manual gear instead of an auto shift-er if you get what it mean. Well, for myself to actually own a sports car is probably in my dream but to appreciate fully, I would say, get a feel of manual then slowly shift to auto. You'll definitely miss manual. 

*The pictures in these post are taken using manual focusing, this is where I got my gear drenched in the rain too, so it actually worth it to invest in better weather-proofed cameras*

Life's Journey 2012

Figure 1: A life long journey.

When the path ahead of you seems so blurry and unclear and times aren't so good, it is so easy to blame everything. When morale is so low, and the feeling is so uncomfortable it is easy to point fingers and start to blame people, situations, food and even worst, "God".

Life during this year, 2012 hasn't been so smooth for me, but I thank God that despite a lot of events, failure and disappointment, I recovered and bounced back despite the challenges that I faced. I wasn't feeling happy during that situation but I got through it.

There is also conflicts in my self, which always keeps telling me to deviate from what I hold most precious in myself. Despite all those hard decisions, I was so thankful that even though I walked away from the path of my beliefs, I quickly realized my folly and returned.

It is those values which makes me a stronger person, the values which have been implanted in me since I was small. There are things which we can do, and there are things which we can't and never must do. Be it a simple habitual thing or something which effects your integrity as a person.

I am so blessed to have realized and seen where life's journey has taken me. It is not easy to be the person I am now, and there is a lot more to learn through life. I am blessed that God is with me, and even when times are not stable, God is still walking beside me and carrying me.

What I've wanted

I was walking along the path of a park one day, and pondered to myself, is this the right path I am walking. I wasn't even sure about it. I was puzzled that along the way, I have experienced a lot of things which makes me a very unique person.

I am not even sure I wanted every part of that experience, especially those bitter sweet ones. There are times when I felt like breaking down and giving up. Still there's a part of my mechanism that just doesn't want to give up. It drives me on.

The path is long and winding, I can't even seem to see the end of the road. I am getting more weary and tired. Is this what, God has planned for me or am I just blindly walking through this road of life. Life is filled with so much surprises that I got tired of it.

There's even a time that I fallen so low and everything seems so dim. Out of stamina and power, there's a hand pulling me up from nowhere. There's a lot of shit to deal with along the way and it's every assholes role to make the world go around a slightly more painful experience. 

Life is filled of make yourself happy or basically lying to yourself to make yourself better. I took the medicine and it made life worse, people can talk and make up a lot of nice shit to make you feel better but in the end, it is up to "you" to rise up and bounce back from the fall.

Trust in the Lord always and He will direct thy paths. In the end, if you don't seem to understand what you want, God does, because He made us and if only we trust in Him, we'll get what we truly want..

Pieces of the Past

I used to receive several love letters when I was in high school, it was usually passed on by some of my closer girlfriends, some of the letters were crummy, some mushy and others just yucky. I never bothered to give a reply and when pushed by my friends, I say prefer to meet up, but none dared showed up.

During Valentine's day there's always that anonymous chocolates which keeps reaching my table. Which I was glad to share it with my best boyfriends, they were quite envious not to receive any but my sharing made them forget all about it. We used to punch each other up and being envious is something small.

My first love is a very pretty girl which I saw in her an integrity and strength of a prefect, well, through my immature and inexperienced googles, I approached her and proposed to be closer, and without hesitation she accepted. As school ends and we part ways to study, I gave my everything but it never lasted.

I had my googles thrown and my eyes laser repaired at iklasik.  I truly saw after that, looks like my googles were truly defective. I never trusted any girls closer and always kept a safe distance.

Just some pieces that made me remember what made me the person I am now, guess that holding on to my principles is far more important than to just blindly trust feelings. I am that kind of person, not changing, not wavering until the other party surrenders and put up the white flag.

Worthless words

Words can be expressed in a lot of ways, it can be either spoken or written by hand. Words are meant to be passed on to someone or a group of people who can benefit and understand from them. Words can be meaningful, hurtful, and at the same time beautiful. Words often contains information and knowledge but it depends solely on the listener or reader to decipher it carefully.

I love reading and listening to words which can give me different type of feelings regarding a certain situation which I couldn't experience myself. It makes me able to feel at-least something different than I normally feel. There are beautiful words which are spoken out randomly while I was out, and I seem to feel that certain moment even though it is a bit awkward.

Still I trust words from a lot of people who doesn't seem to mean them and to me, those words are very painful and it hurts my heart. Words which are meant to last and when time passes don't are often spoken when the moment seems to be at its peak of happiness. During these situations I always agree, but most of the time I will be disappointed as I will be the only one still holding those words.

When meaningful words arise, when it doesn't seem to mean much anymore, I've learned to ignore them and those painful effects of worthless words I just throw them away. Worthless words are like well-scribbled paper just fit to be thrown in the trash can. Those experiences made me stronger and no longer vain to feelings. 

Colder, stronger and more immune to words. I lost respect those who said words while holding on to it rather than just letting those words out like a wind and turncoat on the next move. Holding to your words can be painful depending on your situation. To hold on to words which comes out of your lips is something noble these days.

What are words when there's just spoken out without holding on to it? Worthless words...

Moment of hiccups

Yesterday, I've took my first sick leave since I started working for the company. It is not due to me being so sick that I can't even come over for work but it is because I've got an unstoppable hiccup all of a sudden. I'm also not sure where did I manage to get this kind of silly phenomena to myself.

It all started that evening after gym, I went over to a Tom Yam restaurant for something nice warm and spicy for dinner. I had that really spiced up tom yam and ate it with rice. I didn't feel anything awkward until I started to hiccup on the way back home. I breathe in and try to stay my breathe for as long as I can to rid of it.

To my dismay, it didn't stop and I kept hiccuping until I reach home. I even tried to swallow up air, drink lots of water but to no avail. Those hiccups just kept coming and I can't find a way to stop myself from hiccuping. I was so frustrated and a bit mad-driven by hiccups.

The hiccup didn't stop even when I wanted to go to bed. I went to sleep hiccuping and the next day, woke up hiccuping. I was so angry that I gurgled two 1 liter bottles of water but that didn't resulted well. As a consequence I was so full that every-time I hiccuped water+stomach acid flooded my mouth. I am so disgusting and disgusted.

I went to work hiccuping, attended the morning meeting hiccuping and people around me just felt uncomfortable just hearing me wheeze and shake due to the hiccup. I just can't stand it and rush as fast as I can  to hide in my office. Still colleagues and more people came to see me, hiccuping myself away for answers and signatures.

My diaphragm muscle started to hurt so badly that the next day I took my sick leave and went to the doctor.

Doctor: Hello, what's wrong with you today?

Me      : Doctor, I can't stop hiccuping and my tummy hurts.

Doctor: Hiccuping is due to the nerve endings of your diaphragm sending signals to your diaphragm... bla bla bla. Just take a deep breathe or swallow.

Me      : I did that already Doctor but it didn't work.

Doctor : I'll just give you this medicine.. for your gastric.. bla bla bla..

Me      : *So you don't know how to fix it.* Zzz..  <-- in my mind.

I got my sick leave from the doctor so I can get some rest and away from the office from curious people eyeing me, just in case I have some chronic virus which can infect them. Some even gave me silly advice that I've gotta go to some hardcore specialist at Australia just to be sure. Damn!!!

So today, I fasted and didn't eat any heavy food but substituted to fruits and water only. I felt better, the hiccups come and go, eventually goes away. It's all about my diet I realized, no one knows me better than me, I shouldn't have ate such spicy yet delicious tom yam serving with an empty stomach.

That is seriously my bad. Suffered too much from hiccuping the last 3 days of my life.

*I wrote doctor in red because I felt like smacking him.

Work work work

Will be working like a horse this whole week to catch up with all those incoming projects. 

Responding all those mails need to be replied. 

Reading up the whole report for the last few days of absence, seems like there is a lot of issues still need to be resolved. 

Authorities coming up for an audit tomorrow on critical equipment.

There's more maintenance for the auxiliary support equipment needed to be done before commissioning of the newly serviced boiler.

Hoping to fully service and supply the energy needs of the surrounding area without any breakdown and hassle.

Research and development proposal yet to be completed.

With so much load coming in, and little drive inside of me, will I be able to handle it? Without further ado, I should work it out as efficiently dividing the resources that I have and do my best.

2am

Woke up at 2am in the morning and felt so blue. Just can't sleep for a bit, thinking of little things which matters the most to me. Had some mixed feelings and tried to sort it out calmly but failed miserably. Listened to this song for a bit, a song which I really liked since the 90s.

Arrghh!! I always hate to look back and think. I just need to get back to sleep.

Converse test drive

Just went for a long walk with my new pair of  Converse shoes, seems comfortable enough, though not so much cushioning as available in the Adidas or Nike shoes but it is adequate enough to keep me firm on the ground without hurting my foot every step of the journey.

After a ride in a Mercedes Benz once again, I reached home and wasn't so satisfied with my long walk..

Therefore,

I decide to bring it to an hour long jungle trekking. This involves walking on rough terrain, mud and the occasional small wet streams. During the hike these pair of shoes fail to slip and its grip is "legendary". Got wet in the crossing of one of the small streams and yet the grip stays "legendary". 

Why I mentioned "legendary"? Going down 70° inclined hill with no loss of grip is definitely something for an almost flat soled vintage basket ball shoes.

I did messed up the vulcanized soles a bit, till its a bit yellowish even after washing it, still it's nice for a little bit used and vintage feature. I am totally satisfied with these shoes after this trekking sessions.

Denim

As a kid I loved wearing shorts and never hesitate to wear them to any occasion, formal or non formal. Until my mom dressed me up in those big formal trouser which tends to make me look so big which I wore till I'm in my mid teen days. I never wore anything different until I was introduced to denim.

It was super cheap denim at first, the one which gets roughed up and hot when worn for long period of time. The cheap ones tends to feel super tight at some part of the areas and doesn't fit well. It made me hate wearing them tight and hot blues. 

Figure 1: Levis Logo.

So I wore a mix of these jeans, shorts and trousers till after I completed my high school and ready to enter the higher learning. I saw a shop with a red sign, devilish look in them, I entered it and immediately bought a super pair of denim. It is an American brand and it never matters to me, as the denim is super-soft and fit me well, I was plump then but they were so kind to me.

Figure 2: Levi's 2 horses.

Those denim were, Levi's jeans. Never ill fitted and never ever looked at another brand till now. Looking for a few new year pairs. Maybe the 504, 522 or 523 models.

November Rains..

It's the last day of October and it rained heavily today with its share of thunder. It has been a very hot November at the place I am currently am and it rarely rains. The grasses are near to death, so the heavy rain at the end of October is indeed heaven sent.

I had a great rest despite the thunderstorm outside. Slept soundly and woke up filled with energy. End of the month is here, next month will be a better and different month filled with more challenges. I hope for strength and continue to rely on God's guidance and blessings.

I am having the Monday blues on this cool airy day. Half day of work today. Farewell October, thank you very much for the experiences. Welcome November with its new adventures and experiences.