My God and I

Figure 1: A stream to the sea.

I believe God goes beyond all that, all religions teach good things, none of it bad.. I believe that even people who aren't educated or reached out by religion is touched by God.. It is just a matter of rejecting the fact that you're created or not. 

Or believe that you are your own god and that when you die that is the end of it all, these days money can even be god. My mind is so limited and I am brought up with a lot of questions unanswered, but I have faith in God and that I wasn't just created to die or waste my life. 

Be it short or be it long, I hope for a full life.. It may not be perfect but at least through the character of Jesus, I can do my best and live knowing His light, hope and love for me..

I have a few atheist friends, but even when life's troubles come, they pray.. to whom, I think God..

It has been sometime that I've left this blog, luckily I found it back and I would want to dust the cover out to continue.

Figure 1: Reflections of Black & White.

This feeling, which I have kept isolated in myself burst out today. I can't stand it anymore, I felt so hurt and alone. Always tried my best to be positive and cope with the stress given to my heart. 

Inside, forced change is making me into someone different. Not knowing the side-effects of changing myself with force, I am thrown into a deep confusion. I was never accepted and always criticized for  my weakness.

Sometimes I don't know what I did wrong, all that I asked for is a little bit of myself. To be longed, to be cared for and wanted for the person I am. Still, that is not the case, I kept hurting and hurting without ever the chance to be alone.

I am dying, deep inside. Trying my best to hold myself together despite the storm raging in my heart. I am so depressed and insecure. I wish I have a remedy for this. I wanted to cry my heart out, but the tears failed to flow for my heart has grown cold as ice. 

A dreaded life

Life is treating me so well, with a better opportunities in every corner, more time for self driven activities and for praising God. Still deep in my heart, as responsibilities pile up, experienced people come and go, there is a deep dread which causes worry in me.

Life will be dreadful if you can't do anything for the people you love, work pile up everyday causing me to be a workaholic. Stress overcoming my mental strength is also one of the dreaded things which I fear will happen to me. I need to take charge and have control over this.

I should try to take it easy and relax myself a bit. Feeling quite tense these few days. Worried sometimes that I will turn into a robot with no feelings. That is a dreaded life to me. A soul deprived of health, happiness and sense of humanity.

"Life on Earth is temporary"

Time machine

It has been about 50 days since I finally have time to go online casually, I chose to write and reflect. Work has been haunting me and I felt that I need a change of environment. Life has indeed been good to me and blessings through countless ways has been granted to me. However, I found that work takes toll onto what I love to do the best, and this is what truly matters to me.

Life is cruel, especially to people who are truly kind-hearted and really trust a person truly, it is severely cruel especially when that person is too trusting that he/she has given away what is the most precious to a person who hasn't even committed to him/her. Almost to the brink of suicidal, I gave a helping hand and helped her up, letting her know that there's always a second chance in life.

Recently I have been taken to court, due to family reasons and it seems that there are land titles allocated to me which are disputed by other members of the family. This is where I suffer the most in the month of September. I have to take leave and attend the court hearing which took whole day, with legal proceedings and documents verification as well as signature.

Time is really important for me, to be able to reflect myself and to give myself to the service of others. I enjoy my work here but it is too time consuming and sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to do what I wanted to do. My friend recently offered me a job back at homeland, I am thinking hard, for the experience at my current workplace is good, but I rarely have time even for myself.

I finally take leave back home and went jungle tracking with my little brother, we're 10 years difference of age and have different characteristics. As we walked, we talked a lot on how things have changed. For better or worse, we've defeated it, well for him, I'm going to support him to be a future doctor. 

Figure 1: Me and my little brother.

The going will be tough but for my family, I'll always be there for them. 

Peace be with you and God bless.

Picking up the pieces

Life has a way to give us an awkward feeling when there's something close in life which used to be there all the time but one day, God just took the breathe away and life feels empty without. It is awkward for me, even though I am not too sad, but the feeling of being empty resides in me.

This feeling is hard to take away, imagine me, just got left by someone I had a relationship with for years but suddenly out of the blue knowing that she doesn't loves me anymore, that emptiness only last for so long as it hurts. 

But the feeling of someone who's been in your life since small, someone who has lifted you up as a baby, taught lessons with the cane, scolded you like it's raining hell and at least played even a small role in shaping you into an individual. That is me. I felt so empty.

Despite the busy-ness in life, I can't help but to write myself out to express this emptiness. I just had my leave and spent time with that person, even though its for short, but since I've had so many memories and paved it solidly with that person. 

Even when he's gone, I have no regrets not saying this and that, but I felt empty instead.

He taught me that in life, no matter what I have achieve, I must be proud of myself, no matter how small or insignificant it is. What I learned is that my pride precedes me, and I must learn to lower myself and be humble. Appreciate everything that I've worked hard for and strive to be the best in life.

Thank you Grandpa, for being in my life, I am sorry I couldn't see you for the last time as I am overseas for training. I missed you and I hope we meet again, life is short but if it is filled with the best, even though it's for a small amount of time, I won't regret breathing my last.

Figure 1: Last picture I took of my proud grandpa.

What I've doing so far..

Figure 1: Green and peaceful.

Missed blogging so much, feels reconnected to the blogging world once I reached my workplace. Going back to my roots, my homeland, I felt so warm and happy there. I used every possible time and capture every moment possible while I was back.

I met all my friends, university and mutual friends alike. I missed thier jokes, smiles and especially their company. Went as many places as I can during the long duration of time which I considered very short. I can't express my happiness when family and friends are around me.

Figure 2: My favorite Unduk Ngadau contestant.

The hole in my heart is filled when I confessed my true feelings to her, and she accepted, even though the distance apart, she seems to always have me in mind. I was always doubting and my heart is never calm when I was miles apart. Still she never faltered, so shame on me.

Figure 3: Unduk Ngadau contestants.

My homeland is filled with colors and tons of culture, as part of the land, I attended in a festival which was greatly revered by my people. This festival is known as the Harvest Festival or Kaamatan. I am so glad to be able to capture the moment of tradition. There's the singing competition which is known as the "Sugandoi" and the beauty queen competition or known as the "Unduk Ngadau".

Despite it all, the food was too great and too much that I can't stop eating. Unfortunately I gained weight and now that I'm back to work, people are a bit shock to see me slightly plumper. Bad for my image. A lot more to share but till then. I'll keep on writing...

Locked out

It was late, been busy with the the project's commissioning and ensuring that everything in the process goes according to plan or at least as close to it. No time to catch lunch these few days and luckily due to the painful experience from gastric I stocked some whole wheat biscuits in the office.

Figure 1: Tool in my pocket.

I was so busy that I even forget to have fun these few days and worse of all, one night, I forgot my house keys. That was when I begin to fret over myself and before deciding to break my door, I calmed myself down and think. As I was moving about, I realized the clinking sound in my pockets.

I pulled the metal thingy out of my pocket and discovered it is a handy tool. I am not so experienced at lock-picking but I've done a few locks when I was still schooling. Ah, at least this is worth a try rather than breaking my door and replacing it with a new door lock and knob.

So I attempted this feat, with a small torch from my hand-phone and this tool actually have an LED light too. It took me like two hours to actually undo the latch of the door and finally it opened. I was sweating back then, a little bit frustrated and very tired. I fixed up what I opened, showered and went immediately to sleep.

That's what I get for being so pre-occupied and busy with what so ever that fun and menial things doesn't matter anymore. I'm going out to get some fresh air. Can't wait for end of this month, I'll be back to homeland once my project is done. Hurrah!!!

End of the Apri

April have been very good and a little bit naughty to me. I caught numerous viruses and suffered symptoms which even confuses doctors. I am so glad to be able to make it safe and sound. April taught me to be more cautious and think further before proceeding to any sort of engagement.

April gave me hope when I was alone and without anyone else, it gave me the passageway to return to my own roots and seek their support. I am not alone anymore in those big decisions which messed up my mind for a bit. This month has been so good to me.

I am so blessed on this month of April, the beauty of nature and to strive for its preservation has become a part of me. At least it adds one more person to the equation to the protection of mother nature. Life is indeed precious and we can't close our eyes when it is in danger.

A simple quote from one of the greatest people on earth,

"Nothing in this world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity."

                                                                               -Martin Luther King, Jr-

Working lately..

Have been so busy lately, currently review and correcting the proposals of my underlings. Still it isn't appropriate to use that terms so I'll just say, work colleagues. Since I was assigned to handle the whole project, I was supposed to look at it from the bird's view, that's what my boss mentioned. 

With that said, I wonder what does review and correcting my underlings work have to do with looking up from the bird's view. Opps, I guess I used that inappropriate term again. As I was busy reviewing and correcting, I pondered upon the real difference between a boss and a leader.

I guess I've never think about it thoroughly,

To note I've had experience with a terribly bad boss when I was having my internship at a wholly Petronas-owned Fertilizer Plant located at West Malaysia. That boss requested me to draft a whole P&ID diagram and make it fully functional using PLC. Sorry for the instrumentation terms.

To make things short and less technical, I finished it up in about a week only to discover that the boss claimed my work. So it's basically all for nothing, I didn't even get some credit or even a word of "Thanks". That's when I realized that despite studying in the US, one can't be called a decent engineer.

That's when I realized that there is a significant difference in either becoming a boss or a leader. 

"A boss will want to drive his employees aka underlings crazy with his needs, but a leader will coach them."

"A boss depends on his positional power or authority while a leader relies on his own goodwill."

"A boss will want to inspire fear in his underlings, while a leader generates enthusiasm."

"A boss always says "I" while a leader will substitute himself as part of the team and say "We"."

"A boss places blame on any plant breakdown while a leader fixes that breakdown."

"A boss knows how it is done, but a leader shows how it is done."

"A boss will use his underlings, whilst a leader develops people."

"A boss takes credit from his underling's work while a leader gives credit to them."

"A boss commands, while the leader asks."

"A boss says, "Go!!!", while the leader will say "Lets Go"."

Well, I don't want to have a boss like stated above so I'll be a leader. That is why I'm actually helping out my colleagues and guiding them through out the process of the project development, be it electrical, instrumentation and even mechanical wise I'll do my best as the project leader.

Gambate!!!

Hot weather

It has been a very hot week, I mean it as in the weather is very hot and the skies are barely covered with sun. As I walked under this hot desert-like heat, I wonder what's up with the weather, why is it so hot these few days, even my bath is like sauna. 

The un-sweet smell of sweat seems to cover every inch of my body as I walked back from lunch. The sun is just so cruel, but I just imagine those who are living just in the middle of the equator, I think they got used to the heat. At least the heat here is so-so, only these days it gets too hot.

Maybe the earth just got tilted a few degrees and now the place I'm currently at is just as hot as Africa. Still, no complains as I reached the control room and the air-conditioning is just perfect for a hot day. It seems as though I just worked out despite the short walk from the cafeteria. 

Though at the end of the day, the sun is just glorious.

Figure 1: Sun rests after a radiating day.

In Denial

Figure 1: After work thinking.

For the last few years I've been living in denial, not accepting the views of others even though they are people elder and more matured than me. Denying the fact that what they are implying to me as superficial judging and never been in depth with the real person I am. 

The fact that people who are close to me, my family, I have been always considering their thoughts rather than some far away distant relatives or family friends who sometimes regard me as distant, ill disciplined, insultingly rude and an uprightly impudent  person.

Maybe I looked arrogant and rarely smiled, prefer to be solitary and doesn't talk much to people who doesn't share the similar interest with me or with a high level of ego & self made confidence. False impressions as well as expectation will deny me that certain person raising it as well.

I am living & working now in a place far away from those people, making friends with people not native to my own. My wish is to be only close to people who have built me up and actually contributed during my lifetime. I can't deny the fact I am filled with impurities and am imperfect.

It does hurt to be compared & bench-marked,

"It's so hard to be acceptable to everyone, guess I'll just do my best?"

To be expecting so much yet contributed so little,

"Am I being in denial or simply filled with selfishness?" 

Life isn't perfect and smooth flowing, but in my situation,

"Why does it always have to be superficial & fake?"

A slight pause..

A little life update..

Figure 1: Sparks of steel cutting.

It's been a very long time since I've updated my little blog. Been really busy working, for real, technical and real electrical engineering works. Working really involves really dangerous and hazardous unlike sitting in labs or lectures which involves little or less danger except for extreme stress and boredom. 

My work consists of a mix of all the engineering disciplines which I have learnt throughout my engineering undergrad and I am very fortunate to have at least touched some of the basics of other engineering disciplines such as Civil & Mechanical engineering which allows me to grasp works slightly faster.

Just a little update in my simple job and life as an engineer. As always in every work, safety first.

Go Go Safety First!!!